What Hurt the Most
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February 2020 remains one of the hardest times in my life. I suffered physically, morally, and especially, spiritually. After a caesarean section in February 2020, I had complications. I was in very bad shape. Physically, I was very ill, experiencing extreme pain, swelling, and severe acute anemia. The pain was so terrible that I could not work or move by myself. I needed help to move from one side of the bed to the other and to use the restroom. I became dependent on others for everyday tasks. That dependency hurt me a lot. I always considered myself a strong person who always does her best to deal with life’s difficulties, and to find solutions. But during that time, even though I deeply wanted to be strong, I could not. I cried a lot. Not only because of the pain, but mainly because of my weakness. I depended on people for everything; I could not even carry my newborn, and that made me very sad.
But sadness was not the worst emotion that I felt. I was filled with anger. I was angry at God. I used to say that I was God’s favorite child, and I meant it. He had always been good to me despite my faults. He provided what I did not expect, protected me against danger, and He surrounded me with His grace. That is how God always blessed me—until February 2020. I got angry because of the trust that I put in Him, because of how I used to brag about my relationship with God. I felt betrayed by my awesome God who I completely trusted, and that hurt me more than my health status and the loss of my autonomy. I could not pray. I kept blaming God until the day my husband prayed with me. God used Him to talk to me through Psalm 34. Verse 19 says:
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. (NIV)
I can’t find the correct way to explain it, but that verse brought me peace and I started begging God to forgive me. I realized that my sickness did not mean that God stopped caring about me. I trusted that He still loved me and that He would heal me. My reconciliation with God was the best thing that happened to me! The doctors did their best, including two surgeries and plenty of medicines, but at the end of the day, none of them could explain how I was healed, and how I could walk again. My God who continued to protect and love me, healed me in His perfect timing. I was discharged on March 02, 2020, a few days before the COVID-19 lockdown.
Today I feel ashamed about how I behaved, but I believe it was a good lesson that I needed to share with others. Being loved by God does not mean that we will never face difficulties—for we are living in a world influenced by the devil—but rather that our Savior will always protect us. As it is stated in:
For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.
If you are going through a bad time, do not behave like I did, but instead, know that God loves you! He has everything under control and continues to protect you from even tragedies that you might never be aware of. Because God is good all the time, and all the time God is good!
Scripture is quoted from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
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