Biden's Call to Parents of Fallen Soldier Recalls Solemn Duty of Presidents: 'So Costly a Sacrifice'

It's been called one of the toughest duties a President of the United States can have – consoling the family of an American service member killed in action. 

Whether it's in a letter, in person, or on a telephone call, presidential condolences can mean a lot to a family struggling with the sudden loss of a loved one. 

President Biden held an emotional phone call with the parents of Army Reserve Specialist Kennedy Ladon Sanders, one of the soldiers killed recently by an Iranian-backed terrorist group's drone strike on a U.S. military base in Jordan.

"Shawn, I wish I didn't have to make this call," Biden said to Shawn Sanders and Oneida Oliver-Sanders. "I know there's nothing anybody can say or do to ease the pain. I've been there." 

"Yes, sir, we understand," Oliver-Sanders replied. 

The president also offered his prayers. 

"I just want you to know that I … you're in my prayers and my heart," Biden said.

In addition to his condolences, the president told the couple about their daughter's posthumous promotion to sergeant. 

"That is the best news I've heard today," Sanders' mother Oneida said in a video of the call recorded by The Atlanta Journal-Constitution (AJC). "Thank you so much. You don't know how much that means to us."

The president also encouraged the couple with a message of hope after sharing the losses in his life, including his first wife and daughter in a car accident in 1972, and his son Beau to brain cancer in 2015. 

"A day will come when you walk by a park where Kennedy played in, or open a closet and smell the fragrance on her clothing or something like that and you'll smile before you cry. That's when you know you're going to make it. Takes a hell of a long time to get there, but I promise you, you'll get there," Biden told the couple. 

Biden and first lady Jill Biden arrived at Dover Air Force Base Friday afternoon to witness the transfer of the remains of the three U.S. troops killed in Sunday's assault. They also met with the families privately ahead of the dignified transfer.

At Thursday's National Prayer Breakfast at the Capitol, Biden acknowledged Sanders,  Sgt. William Jerome Rivers, and Sgt. Breonna Moffett by name, who were all from Georgia, again vowing to never forget their sacrifice to the nation.

"They risked it all," the president said.

Friday is the second dignified transfer Biden has attended as president. In August 2021, he took part in the ritual for the 13 service members killed during the suicide bombing during the botched pullout of U.S. troops from Kabul. 

As vice president, in 2016, Biden attended a dignified transfer for two U.S. soldiers killed in a suicide blast at Bagram Airfield. He also attended one as a senator in 2008 after the family requested his presence and the Pentagon gave him permission to do so.

JFK Writes to Grieving Widow

Besides phone calls and in-person visits, past presidents have also written letters to families of the fallen to offer their personal condolences. 

President John F. Kennedy wrote one such memorable condolence letter to the widow of Major Rudolf Anderson Jr. of the U.S. Air Force who was the only service member killed during the Cuban Missile Crisis in October of 1962. 

Anderson died when his plane was shot down over Cuba. He later became the first recipient of the Air Force Cross, the U.S. Air Force's second-highest award for heroism after the Medal of Honor, according to People Magazine. 

"I was deeply shocked by the loss of your husband in an operational flight on Saturday, October 27th, 1962," Kennedy's letter said. 

He included a handwritten note at the bottom of the letter that read: "Your husband's mission was of the greatest importance, but I know how deeply you must feel his loss."

Lincoln Writes Letter to Mother of 5 Sons

What could be one of the most famous condolence letters attributed to a president is a letter sent by President Abraham Lincoln to Mrs. Lydia Bixby. She was a widow whose five sons were allegedly killed during the Civil War. 

Even though the letter has been quoted over the years as fact, (including in one scene in Steven Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan), Bixby's story of her loss has often been questioned. According to the History Channel, scholars have discovered that only two of her sons died fighting in the Civil War. A third was honorably discharged and a fourth was dishonorably thrown out of the Army. The fifth son's fate is unknown, but it is assumed that he deserted or died in a Confederate prison camp.

But Lincoln probably didn't have that information when he wrote the letter. Some scholars have also debated whether the letter to Mrs. Bixby was written by him or his assistant private secretary, John Hay.

The text of the letter is below: 

Executive Mansion, Washington, Nov. 21, 1864

Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant-General of Massachusetts, that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.

I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.

I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours, to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom. 

Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
Abraham Lincoln

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