Cancer, Pregnancy and Hope: How God Healed Me Through the Unexpected

COMMENTARY
 
My life is proof that God is close in suffering – even when we don't believe it.  
 
When I lost my brother to a tragic accident in 2020, my life began spiraling out of control. Having converted to Catholicism shortly before, I initially attempted to lean on my faith but quickly felt abandoned by God as additional trials compiled.  
 
In 2021, I was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, an aggressive cancer typically seen in older men. In this, coupled with overwhelming grief from the loss of my brother and other unfortunate events, I felt relieved. I was so tired of fighting, tired of being broken, that I originally planned to keep this a secret and let nature take its course. I had completely lost my will to live.  
 
Believing God had abandoned me, I abandoned all hope in Him. I stopped attending Mass, stopped praying, and let despair dictate my life. I had no idea the powerful healing that God had in store for me, much less the profound vision He had for my life.  
 
A few months after my diagnosis, I had a change of heart and broke the news to my family and my boyfriend. I will never forget that moment when I sat my parents down and told them that their last living child was going to die or telling this person I had only just begun to get to know and love, that I may not be around long enough for him to fully get to know and love me. I even gave him an out considering we were new into this relationship – one he refused to take.
 
Met with an ocean of love, comfort, and support, I decided that I would fight after all – not for myself, but for them.  
 
But brutal chemotherapy treatment after treatment started to dwindle that resolve – until I found out I was pregnant.  
 
It was medically impossible, doctors told me. I was halfway through chemotherapy and almost everything inside of me was – quite literally -- dead or dying.  
 
Here I was, fighting a terminal diagnosis and pregnant after being with my boyfriend for only three months. I had always wanted to be a mother, but I had given up on that dream. I had stopped making any plans for my life in fear that I wouldn't live long enough to see them through. It all seemed so cruel, so unfair.
 
"We can take care of this now," my doctor repeatedly urged as he assured me that the baby would not live past 8 weeks gestation. "Or you can go home to pass this on your own."
  
I went home to process and was surprised at how the news sparked great joy in my father and my boyfriend. They were endlessly supportive yet all I could think was that one or both of us was going to die. In a life that had been and continued to be so unkind to me, it was hard to feel any sort of joy.
 
At this time, I had completely abandoned my faith, but in some great mercy of God I felt a seemingly random urge, a tug, a voice saying, "come home." After ignoring it for way too long, I gave in and reached out to Father Scott Scheiderer, who'd walked with me not only during RCIA but in the time of my brother's passing and other life events. He had tried to stay in touch since then; however, I had ignored him along with many others when I left the faith.  
  
I'll never forget his fatherly love after unloading the months of grief, all the while embarrassed to reveal my rejection of the faith and unplanned pregnancy. He answered my shame with encouragement, congratulating me and telling me how he could see God working powerfully in my life. 
 
That night at church I caught sight of a flyer on the bulletin. "Expecting the Unexpected?" it read. "Gabriel's Retreat Ministries" – An organization that offers free retreats and abundant resources to women experiencing any type of unexpectedness in their pregnancy and postpartum. I met with Shawna DuBois, founder of Gabriel's Retreat Ministries, and went on my first retreat.
 
The women of Gabriel's Retreat Ministries walked alongside me at each step. Their friendship and witness also inspired me to start returning to my faith, as I began to let go of what I thought my life should be. I was reminded that I am a beloved daughter of God and on a journey where I felt so alone, I was seen, heard, and loved.

Newfound faith and prayer bolstered me throughout my final round of chemo, which was the most painful and debilitating experience of my life. My physical pain was compounded by the reality that there was no chance my unborn child could have survived the devastation of that treatment on my body.
 
But God, in his faithfulness, proved me – and my doctors – wrong. As I covered my eyes in fear at my 15-week ultrasound appointment, I heard another heart joining with mine – my sweet baby boy.  
 
Shortly after, I was told that I was cancer-free.  
 
"So you beat a rare cancer, and your baby that wasn't supposed to live is still here? Praise be to God! I know with all the pain and suffering it was hard to see, but can you see it now? His work? This has God written all over it." Father Scott's words opened my eyes to something I had not yet considered: God had seen I wasn't willing to fight for my own life, so he'd given me someone to fight for.  
 
Trials still existed as we believed my son would have severe deformities or disabilities due to the chemo, but in August of 2022, I delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy. Our miracle and the love of our lives, Jaxon.
 
Today, Jaxon is a rambunctious, joyful 2-year-old with zero complications or disabilities. He loves to go to Mass and to pray together as a family (making sure everyone present is participating).
 
God saved me through the gift of Jaxon. I see it every time I look at him, all the pieces – broken and beautiful. I think about where I was 4 years ago and where I am now, at this very moment.
 
How did I get here?
 
The answer is simple – God.
 
He was there for me despite me turning my back – in fact, I believe He pursued me even more because of it.
 
When I left Him in the Eucharist, He came to me through my parents, my now-fiance, Father Scott, and the women at Gabriel's Retreat Ministries. Through them, I learned the value of living as Christ to others – and am now humbled to serve other moms through volunteering at Gabriel's Retreat Ministries – the same ministry that helped me become the woman and mother I am today.
 
While I believe my situation was nothing short of a providential miracle, the most miraculous thing was how God brought my heart back to Him amid my deepest despair. By giving me the gift of a child, even in far-from-perfect circumstances, He showed me the beauty of life – and of trust and faith in Him – when I had forgotten it. 

Sammi Sallee is an esophageal cancer survivor and mom who volunteers and works with women facing any unexpectedness or difficulties in their pregnancy or postpartum at Gabriel's Retreat Ministries