Talented Musician Overcomes Abuse with Courage

Shakeisha Hawkins remembers the first day she put her fingers on a harp. “It fit like a glove. It came naturally. It was a wonderful feeling,” recalls Shakeisha.

She was a young girl, embracing a beautiful, graceful instrument that brought her joy and peace, a stark contrast to her life growing up in the inner city of St. Louis. Shakeisha remembers, “It was normal to walk down the street and see someone getting shot, to see drugs, violence, and abuse. You just grow accustomed to living in fear.”

Shakeisha did not feel safe inside her home either. Her mother was a substance abuser who neglected her children. Shakeisha's father left before she was born. And starting at six years old, she was sexually molested by several relatives.  

“Sexual abuse started very young," she remembers. "And because I didn’t feel accepted or loved, I didn’t tell anybody.”  

There was a place where Shakeisha felt accepted - a school for performing arts where her artistic gifts were recognized and encouraged. “I loved to sing and dance; it gave me the freedom to express myself. It was a place of wonderful possibilities.”

It was also where she found her gift and passion for the harp, a fact not overlooked by her music teacher who took special interest in her. “That music teacher wanted to help make me a better musician and wanted to help my life. I started playing music with him.”

The teacher though had other plans. He started isolating her and controlling her time. Then came the lies and abuse. Shakeisha says, “He told me that your family doesn’t love you, let me love you the way you need to be loved. And because I was used to molestation, I thought it was normal. So I did what he wanted me to do.”

Shakeisha's abuser kept the young girl close, taking her around the city to play music. He also took her to his church where he was a deacon. He told his family and church friends that she was just a student he mentored. As for Shakeisha, he told her what she wanted to hear, and even used the bible to justify his actions.

Shakeisha remembers the words he used, “He would always say he loved me. And this happened in the Bible too. It took a long time to feel bad about it. I was playing music all over the city, I relished that. I thought this sexual abuse, it must not be that bad.”

Shakeisha was still in high school when she finally realized what the man was doing was not love at all. By now, she was trapped, unable to escape his grip on her life. “The time it turned dark is when I didn’t want to do certain sexual favors. I would get screamed at and abused,” Shakeisha recalls.

Afraid to tell anyone, Shakeisha suffered in silence. She remembers the intense fear she felt, “I was very afraid because he was such an important person in the church.”

After high school, Shakeisha went to college in another city, hoping the distance would stop the abuse. It did not. He often showed up, becoming even more abusive.

“I was starting to have anxiety attacks. Sometimes I couldn’t even get out of bed," Shakeisha remembers. "I felt shame, I started to drink to help cope with the feelings.”

Shakeisha also did something else; she prayed to the God she had heard about in childhood, but never knew. She asked God what she should do. “I prayed a prayer, 'If you want me to stay, I’ll stay. If you want me to leave, please give me the option or the opportunity,'" Shakeisha says.

Several months later, Shakeisha came home from school for a performance at her teacher's church. Afterwards when she borrowed his cell phone to make a call, she made a shocking discovery. “I saw that he was texting another minor, asking for sexual favors. It turned my stomach upside down and that’s when I realized something had to be done.”

When it was time to leave for dinner, Shakeisha refused and a heated argument ensued, witnessed by another musician. She asked Shakeisha to her home to talk, and the truth finally came out. “She said because he was a deacon, she had to tell the pastor.”

The pastor forced the deacon to resign, and a police investigation soon followed. Shakeisha overcame her fear and testified against her abuser. He was convicted and sentenced to 7 years in prison for rape and exploiting minors.

Shakeisha remembers, “God was saying, I will protect you, because I am with you now.”   

Meanwhile, Shakeisha had returned to college and began attending church. Before long, she was ready to trust Jesus as her Lord and Savior. Shakeisha says she will never forget that moment, “I just gave everything over to God. Just to experience God’s love, the rapture of it, it’s an unexplainable feeling, a feeling of grace, mercy, and love, all at the same time… a ball of miraculous feelings.”

Shakeisha went on the earn her bachelor's degree and master's degree in music and become a beloved music teacher. She says healing from the abuse is taking time, but her progress has been steady. Part of that healing was forgiving her abuser and others who harmed her.

Today, Shakeisha still loves playing her harp, sharing her music, and the message of love she found through Jesus Christ. “God loves you. God loves you. Anytime you call on God, He’s going to answer.”