Resolving Internal Struggle with Faith

“I was at a place of, pretty much hopelessness. It felt like someone pulled a giant rug out from underneath my feet and I literally just did a faceplant,” says Jessica York. Jessica York struggled with insecurity and low self-esteem in her teens. She felt unlovable and without purpose, doing everything she could to fit in. 

She describes the internal struggles she had growing up, “You get these thoughts comparing yourself with others, you’re not good enough, no one likes you, and I think I just never really wanted to face what the true problem was, and the whole problem was what was going on within me. I was trying to fill these voids.”

Jessica tried to find acceptance in relationships and had her first child with her high school boyfriend at nineteen. They moved in together and she hoped being a mom would fill the emptiness. When it didn’t, she started to drink. “I was just never content. I was never happy and it was always just, there was something missing,” says Jessica. “I would drink, and I would drink, and I would drink, but then I would start to feel like I was becoming more myself, you know, myself when I would drink. And, um, I felt more happy when I was drinking, and it just became more frequently. I would get to the point of blacked out drunk, you know, if I could check out this way, you know, what is the problem? And I think I just never really wanted to face what the true problem was and the whole problem was what was going on within me.”

She had another child with her boyfriend of eleven years, but the relationship began to sour, so she soon left with the kids to start a new life. She quickly got into another relationship with a man who was abusive and introduced her to meth.

Jessica talks about how her life began to crumble, “Everything just fell apart, because I went from alcohol into meth and that was when I really just spiraled out of control. I’m starting to use meth more frequently, I’m going to work and I’m still high from the night before. I would just go and do things that I normally wouldn’t do.”

Within a year, her addiction to meth overtook anything good in her life. She lost custody of her kids and moved into a drug house. She was in and out of jail for stealing to fund her habit and probation violations. Before long, everything she valued in life was gone. “It literally felt like a bomb had went off and I could look behind me, and the destruction was so great, that I didn’t see that there was any hope of ever, like, repairing any of it,” says Jessica.

Jessica had nowhere else to turn and was contemplating suicide when her sister told her about a homeless shelter that would take her in. Jessica checked in. “Well by the time I ended up at the shelter, I had been arrested probably about 18 to 20 times, I'm not even sure,” says Jessica. “And, um, I had just got out of serving four different counties, so I was at a place of pretty much hopelessness.”

While she was there, she attended a Bible study that would change her life forever. “They were speaking about the power of God and they were giving their testimony about how they had done all these things that I had done. [They had] stole things and been in addiction, and the Lord really used that to show me what He could do, and I could feel all that. He was Almighty God. He was in that room. He's alive, and He came for the broken,” says Jessica.

“It was just, it became a reality to me when they were speaking. It was the reality to me that Jesus Christ is in this room. And I just began to shake and just cry and just, I couldn't even like, speak. It's just His presence, just overwhelmed me. And just to, to that feeling of all that I had done, all that I had been through, all that I had failed in, because I felt like such a failure, um, that He would show up in that room for me. It was just overwhelming…And I felt hope for the first time in years. I felt hope, you know? You know, true hope.”

She was immediately set free from addiction as she gave her life to Jesus. Over time, Jessica was able to reunite with her kids and eventually married Trey, who had shared Christ with her in the shelter. They now have two children together. 

Jessica expresses how thankful she is for what God has done in her life, “I’m very grateful for the Holy Spirit, I’m really grateful for the Word of God, I’m very grateful just, for what He’s done in my kids, for what He’s doing. He’s definitely turned my shame into glory, for His kingdom. I am who He says I am, and His Word, that I'm beloved, that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and that He called me before the foundations of the Earth.” 

Jessica is now a worship leader at her church where she serves alongside her husband. She uses her voice and her testimony to lead others to Christ, as the source of freedom and redemption. “Don’t ever quit. Don’t ever stop. Don’t ever give up, you know. If you have breath in your lungs, if you’re alive today, God has a plan for you.”